Anthropormuffins

[kickaha]

I love English muffins. (No, jason0x21, the food stuff kind, not the... oh, alright, those are nice too.)

This morning I popped a Thomas's brand muffin in the toaster, and was all happy and such when they popped up, until I started to butter it. That's when I realized... nooks and crannies are assholes.

Not literal assholes, mind you, but metaphorical assholes. (Otherwise that'd be, y'know, gross.) The little fuckers hold butter alright, that's their advertised job description, but these bastards don't just *hold* butter, they goddamn steal it. Big ol' pat of butter on the knife, apply to edge of muffin, swipe, and... gone by 1/3 of the way across. The goddamned nooks and crannies grabbed all of it, and held onto it for dear life, apparently making sure none of their neighbors downswipe got any. I dunno, maybe butter is bad for them too, and they're being altruistic and crap, or maybe they're just greedy assholes. I don't care, I just know that my frickin' english muffin is now unbutterbalanced, and that's just a sad state of affairs.

I dub thee crooks and nannies, ya little fuckers.

Comments

Two words.

[georgmi.livejournal.com]

Add. More. Butter.

Re: Two words.

[kickaha.livejournal.com]

Two more words.

You. Can't. Count.

;)

While sure, I can keep adding butter until the greedy little bastards are satiated, I had a pre-set amount of butter on my knife that was intended for the entire muffin, not just a teensy little territory on it.

I hate it when my food works against me.

Re: Two words.

[georgmi.livejournal.com]

Nah, I'm just a heavy tipper.

[ashears.livejournal.com]

Weirdo. Just tilt the damn thing and squeeze.

[kickaha.livejournal.com]

'Squeeze'? When the toaster is on high, the end result is no more squeezable than a piece of ceramic. What can I say? I like my toasted items *toasted*.

[ashears.livejournal.com]

Weirdo. Use thinner pats. Spread quickly. And passionately. If the distribution means that much to you, perfecting your technique should be worth the effort.

[badger.livejournal.com]

Apply butter pre-ceramicizing?

[ashears.livejournal.com]

damnit, now I want an English Muffin. With lots of butter. Damn you.

[franktheavenger.livejournal.com]

The fact that this annoys you so much that you feel the need to post about it proves that you're a freak. Or don't have enough work to do.

Hell if it's that important melt some butter in a saucer and dip the thing.

FREAK. :p

[maisimai.livejournal.com]

dude--get a new brand of muffin anyway. Thomas's has the high fructose corn syrup in it and and that is just lazy food manufacturing in my book. Try a crumpet--they spread the butter real nice like AND you get fun little butter chambers in your breakfast bread. She writes licking her fingers ;)

[ssandv.livejournal.com]

You flattened the knife too soon, man. Gotta have better touch than that. Or use harder butter/margarine.