Night of ghosts

[kickaha]

I read it.

And I'm shattered.

His last entry was in '97. In '94 he said he missed me, and our conversations. I had just moved to North Carolina to start graduate school. It was also at that time that I realized he was mortal, and that he was going to be gone some day... so I started pulling away. Consciously, to ease my own pain.

It was the last thing I should have done. I robbed us both of time together that I'd give anything to have back now, even for a moment.

I'm sorry. I'm so very very sorry.

Comments

[ginkgo.livejournal.com]

*hug*

I am so sorry, love. He was a great man.

I have been dealing with a great amount of guilt regarding my grandfather's death - well beyond my family's traditonal guilt level. I never liked my grandfather. He gave me wet kisses during a time when I did not want to be touched. I saw him as my grandmother's oppressor. He was sometimes racist and always homophobic. I was a loudmouth and was convinced that these issues had to be debated on a regular basis. I hated the way he talked through his phlegm. I hated the way he fidgeted with the change in his pocket. We did not have much of a relationship.

I was wrong. I denied myself a wonderful relationship because I was pigheaded. He worked hard and supported not only his immediate family to extreme degrees, but also his siblings and cousins. He fed them all on a regular basis. He couldn't stand to see anyone hungry. He was fiercely independent and constantly busy. He didn't like one of the most well-loved nice-guy public figures because he drank too much and was unfaithful to his wife. And I was a bitch to him.

[songhawk.livejournal.com]

*hug*