I have been dealing with a great amount of guilt regarding my grandfather's death - well beyond my family's traditonal guilt level. I never liked my grandfather. He gave me wet kisses during a time when I did not want to be touched. I saw him as my grandmother's oppressor. He was sometimes racist and always homophobic. I was a loudmouth and was convinced that these issues had to be debated on a regular basis. I hated the way he talked through his phlegm. I hated the way he fidgeted with the change in his pocket. We did not have much of a relationship.
I was wrong. I denied myself a wonderful relationship because I was pigheaded. He worked hard and supported not only his immediate family to extreme degrees, but also his siblings and cousins. He fed them all on a regular basis. He couldn't stand to see anyone hungry. He was fiercely independent and constantly busy. He didn't like one of the most well-loved nice-guy public figures because he drank too much and was unfaithful to his wife. And I was a bitch to him.
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Date: 2003-11-11 11:06 pm (UTC)I am so sorry, love. He was a great man.
I have been dealing with a great amount of guilt regarding my grandfather's death - well beyond my family's traditonal guilt level. I never liked my grandfather. He gave me wet kisses during a time when I did not want to be touched. I saw him as my grandmother's oppressor. He was sometimes racist and always homophobic. I was a loudmouth and was convinced that these issues had to be debated on a regular basis. I hated the way he talked through his phlegm. I hated the way he fidgeted with the change in his pocket. We did not have much of a relationship.
I was wrong. I denied myself a wonderful relationship because I was pigheaded. He worked hard and supported not only his immediate family to extreme degrees, but also his siblings and cousins. He fed them all on a regular basis. He couldn't stand to see anyone hungry. He was fiercely independent and constantly busy. He didn't like one of the most well-loved nice-guy public figures because he drank too much and was unfaithful to his wife. And I was a bitch to him.